Yes, it’s that time of year when we start planning our big summer holiday. A week or two in the sunshine, sampling the cultural delights of somewhere new, or maybe just lying on a beach with no plans beyond what to have for dinner.

For many, it’s their favourite time of year and something to look forward to. For some of us though, it can be a source of worry, or even anxiety. With a break from the routine can come a range of situations we may feel less than comfortable with. How will we communicate in a foreign language? What if we get lost? What if the accommodation isn’t great? Where will we go for breakfast, lunch and dinner?

Managing the ‘what ifs’ with REBT

All these thoughts are far from unusual, and at their heart is a unifying, overarching theme: uncertainty. We all deal with it in our own way, either embracing it, avoiding it, or facing up to it. For those who struggle with the ‘what ifs’ of life, Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT, the type of CBT we teach here at the College), can be very useful for helping us if not learn to love it, then at least be able to tolerate it more easily.

REBT’s core philosophy is one of emotional responsibility – we get to decide how we ultimately feel about things. As the Stoic philosopher Epictetus said, people are disturbed not by things, but by the view they take of them. So, by changing how we view, or think about, a situation, we can change how we feel about it.

The first thought we can challenge is that core demand for certainty. If we tell ourselves we MUST be certain, when we find we are not it might begin to feel awful and beyond bad, and that it is unbearable for us. In REBT, this is what we call an irrational belief, and instead we choose to challenge it with rational, logical and helpful thinking.

Who says you must be certain all the time? If you knew everything about your holiday in advance, there’d hardly be any point going. There is no rule that says you must know, and sometimes, that’s half the fun. And is it really so bad not knowing? It might not be your favourite thing, but it’s certainly far from the worst thing possible. Without uncertainty there can be no surprises. And you can certainly tolerate it. It may be uncomfortable, but you’ve tolerated uncertainty before, so we bet you can do it whilst wearing a sunhat and hunting down an ice cream.

What’s in it for me? A good time!

Secondly, REBT loves a goal, the reason why we are doing something. Remember why you are on holiday, and the ‘what’s in it for me’ way of thinking.

Perhaps it’s time away from a busy job, or to spend quality time with your partner or family. Maybe it’s to visit that ruin you’ve always dreamed of, or simply to top up your tan and eat some lovely food. Whatever it is, you’re on holiday for a reason, and that reason is always going to be worth some uncertainty and discomfort. Focus on that taverna you’ve heard so much about and everything else becomes easier!

If we can remember that we don’t HAVE to be certain, we’d only like to be and keep our eye on the prize of why we go away in the first place, you might find your holiday starts to become even more fun, and that can only be a good thing.

Nick Jones
REBT/CBT Therapist

“There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so”
William Shakespeare (Hamlet, Act 2, Scene 2)

January. Traditionally a time for ‘the blues’. The festivities are over, the lights are packed away, and for many of us, the bank account is looking far from healthy.

All the above things may be true, and none of us would be at fault if we didn’t feel a bit deflated after what is supposed to be the most wonderful time of the year. It’s back to work (in the dark), and not much to look forward to. Who wouldn’t feel the shine has been taken off things a little!

Don’t worry, this isn’t going to be one of those terrible ‘new year, new you’ blogs. Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT) doesn’t do toxic positivity. Life isn’t fun and festivities all the time (in fact that would be pretty horrible, don’t you think?), and acknowledging that sometimes things can be less than great is key to dealing with them.

Beat the blues with REBT

Like Shakespeare quoted above, one of the founding philosophies of REBT comes from the Stoic thinker Epictetus: ‘People are disturbed not by things, but by the view they take of them.’ By thinking rationally and realistically about a situation, we come to realise we are more than capable of accepting it and tolerating the discomfort it may bring.

So what might be the irrational thoughts about January that could be provoking our feelings of the blues?

That the festivities must not have ended? It’s probably only really Roy Wood and Wizard who wish it could be Christmas every day. Rationally, surely most of us understand it is the very scarcity of celebrations that make them special. We could, more realistically, admit that though we would prefer to have a nice time more often, we realistically understand this isn’t possible, and we only make ourselves unhappy by wishing for the impossible.

That January is an unbearably gloomy and boring time? To tell ourselves something is intolerable only ends up making it seem so (just ask Hamlet). Instead, let us accept that January is never going to be up there with the fun months, but we’ve tolerated several of them before, so we can tolerate this one too.

That it is awful to be facing another new year on a tight budget and in the dark to boot? In reality, this might not be great, in fact it might be objectively bad, but it is far from the end of the world. If we manage our expectations and instead see it as a time of year to hunker down, regroup and think about our plans for the year, it can become a time of if not unbridled joy, then perhaps quiet contemplation (or grim determination, you decide!).

Like it or not, it is January for us all. And yet not everyone will be feeling blue. If others can get through the year’s cold beginning with a more Stoic and accepting attitude, then we can understand it is not the month that determines how we feel, but how we think about the month.

And the days, in fact, are really getting longer. Hold on to that thought!

Nick Jones
REBT/CBT therapist

There was consternation in the family group chat not long ago when I announced that this year, there was to be no turkey on the festive table.

Cooking Christmas dinner often falls to me, and to be honest, I enjoy it. I get the leftovers, after all! But this year, I fancied a change. Something less demanding of attention and fridge space, and that left me more time for socialising (and snacking) on the big day. So this year we are having a pie. A fancy one, mind you, from a fancy shop (this is not just a pie, this is one from that place you all know…), but still, there were raised eyebrows and some explaining to do.

However, and here I blame Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT) as the founder of the feast, one thing I have learned as a therapist is to ask myself, just exactly who says that anything should always be a certain way, and that we cannot challenge ours, or others’, long held and possibly rigid beliefs.

Christmas is the ideal time to take a look at what you really want and what is just expected of you. Many of us are inundated with images of perfectly curated holiday scenes – sparkling trees, beautifully wrapped gifts, and families gathered around tables groaning with all the traditional treats. While these scenes can evoke feelings of excitement, some people feel anxious because they set themselves unrealistic expectations and feel like they must do the same.

Unwrap your Christmas preferences

But if we remember the REBT-approved ways of challenging these ‘shoulds’ and ‘musts’ (how true is that thought, and how helpful is it?), we can begin to liberate ourselves from the Marley-like chains of tradition. Instead of rigid demands, we can move to flexible preferences. Try and notice the differences between irrational ‘must haves’, and think more about what you’d prefer and what is realistically possible.

By applying this rational, sensible way of thinking to Christmas, you might be able to, paradoxically, inject some more magic and wonder into your holiday season.

If you feel more stress than joy about certain traditions, you can say no. How true is it that you have to have a turkey dinner, when a pie will do? Who says you have to spend a fortune on presents when a homemade gift or an IOU for babysitting or a night out might be more appreciated? How helpful is it for you to believe you have to even celebrate at all if it’s not really your thing?

All traditions were new once

And where is the rule that says you can’t invent your own traditions, ones that you’d really enjoy? All traditions had to happen for a first time some time, so feel free to start your own. Lasagne for dinner on the 25^th? Sure, who says you can’t? ‘Lord of the Rings’ every twixmas? Why not? Where’s the rule that forbids that?

Embrace the opportunity to create your own meaningful traditions. Focus on what truly bring you happiness and remember, Christmas is not about conforming to external standards but about enjoying the spirit of the season in a way that fits with your own values and preferences.

You do Yule

As you navigate the upcoming festivities, remember that you have the freedom to choose the traditions that bring you joy and meaning. Try and let go of any rigid expectations or obligations.

Embrace the Christmas traditions and give yourself permission to be more flexible; create a holiday experience that reflects who you are. In doing so, you can transform your anxiety-based attitude about it and turn it into a celebration of personal fulfilment and connection.

Another slice of pie, anyone?

Nick Jones
REBT/CBT Therapist