Around this time of year, lots of us will be returning from our summer holidays and ‘looking forward’ to heading back to the office after a couple of weeks away.
And whilst we might be feeling refreshed and sporting a topped-up tan, the thought of opening up our emails or to-do list can be a troubling one. As an REBT therapist, it’s not unusual to meet clients who feel anxious or overwhelmed when it comes to dealing with the constant stream of tasks, requests and queries that come with many modern jobs.
REBT’s three musts
Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT) states that our unhealthy negative emotions such as anxiety are driven by our irrational beliefs. And that at the heart of these beliefs there are variations on three main musts, or demands: I must, you must, and the world must. As Albert Ellis, the founder of REBT put it: “There are three musts that hold us back: I must do well. You must treat me well. And the world must be easy.”
More often than not, our rigid, unhealthy beliefs can be traced back to one of these three main demands. It’s understandable we would want success, respect and an easy life. But holding on to these irrational demands in the face of reality provkes our disturbances. And being able to change a demand into a preference allows us to more easily undisturb ourselves.
Challenging the mailbox musts
When we turn on our computers and open up our emails, what irrational beliefs may be provoked, and how can you tackle them? Here are some examples a therapist may come across:
I must respond to all these emails immediately. If I don’t, it would be awful and prove that I am lazy and incompetent.
We‘ve all felt the pressure to reply to everyone straight away, finish our tasks and move things off our desk. And it’s natural for us to want to be good at our job and for others to acknowledge that. But where is the rule of the universe that says all your emails must be responded to by 11am on your first day back? There is none, except for the one you’ve just made up. It’s a safe bet none of your colleagues are expecting an immediate response. After all, they’ve got inboxes of their own to deal with (and might have been away on holiday too!).
Instead, make the effort to deal with things in a more measured manner. A more helpful thing to tell ourselves might be that while we might like to get them all done quickly, we do not have to, and if it takes a while it’s not ideal but not the end of the world and is surely no reflection on our professionalism.
Everybody shouldn’t have been emailing me whilst I was away. I can’t stand it and they are thoughtless and selfish for doing so!
Blaming others for the state of your inbox in such a forceful way could lead to feelings of anxiety or even anger. But again, where is the rule that people shouldn’t have emailed us? They are only doing their job, and almost certainly were not doing so maliciously. And we obviously can stand it, as we are doing so already. A full inbox might be uncomfortable, but it’s not truly unbearable. If everybody got angry with everyone else that emailed them, we’d pretty soon be angry with an awful lot of people. And how awkward would that be in the staff kitchen?
Work shouldn’t be so hard. It’s unbearable and just proves that life is unfair!
Quite often, many people feel that stress is to be avoided at all costs, and life must be easy all the time. If it isn’t, we tell ourselves we cannot stand the pressure and it’s simply not fair that we are hounded in this way. But again, there is simply no evidence to back this up. All jobs, no matter what they may be, can be stressful from time to time, and require us to do difficult tasks or things we would simply rather not. This is the nature of paid employment for most of us, at least sometimes.
Accepting that coming back from our break might be one of those times, and it is a natural part of life rather than a sure sign the universe hates you, will help you tolerate the discomfort and understand it will most likely only be temporary.
It’s perfectly normal to feel pressured at work sometimes, but making things worse for ourselves with irrational and unrealistic demands helps nobody, and quickly undoes all the benefits of our lovely relaxing holiday.
So, when you fire up your emails and begin to quail, take a deep breath and a moment to repeat your healthy, rational REBT beliefs. You don’t have to answer them all straight away, no one is being mean to you, and even if work is tough today, you can handle it. You don’t have to spend your first day back wishing it was your last.
And remember, it’s only a few months until the Christmas break!
Nick Jones
REBT / CBT Therapist
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